On Friendship

There is much to be said about the nature of friendship. People all seemingly know who their friends are and even to what degree. The strict definition of friend is simple: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard (from dictionary.com). But of course in this instance we are talking of the “state” of being a friend and what that really means. There is also a definition in the dictionary that states friendship as being a “friendly relation” or “intimacy.” I'm not really interested in definitions from the dictionary however, I am more inclined to discover something more distinct; a more direct definition.

People make and lose friends all the time in society. It could be an encounter in the classroom, an introduction by and from someone you already know, or a connection made via the internet. The converse: a bad business deal, a secret leaked, or more specifically a breach of trust that leads to us “walking away.” Then again, a lot of times, we “make up” and settle our differences and remain friends, but is it really ever the same? What is a friend then? I hear people often throw the word “acquaintance” around. An acquaintance hasn't quite made it to the status of friend yet—well, because you don't know them well enough—but you know them well enough to consider them an acquaintance which does bring along with it some sort of “goodness” just not enough of it to be “friends.” 

It starts out as children. I assume it is part of the learning process. Our parents assure us that it is good to make friends and psychologists prove it. Loneliness can make man peculiar and awkward. He may know this as well and seek the company of others but to no avail remain alone. Why though? He or she doesn't carry the necessary qualities we seek in another person for them to be our friends. For many of us though it's quite natural, maybe even something one is born with. People are just drawn to that person's company. Some people may even struggle with having too many friends. Imagine telling that to the poor soul who can't manage to find one? We can all tell who has a lot of friends and who doesn't, there always seems to be a visual indicator—body language mostly. But, how many friends does one really have? Go ahead and ask them—they are probably all on one hand. I don't even have to criticize you about how many friends you have, because I know, I do not have 200 friends—most if not all are acquaintances. Looks like someone has to try harder.

Have you ever had someone try and be your friend though? Have you tried to befriend someone? “This person won't leave me alone,” I have heard. “What could they want?” They want to be your friend. I have always appreciated the command, “leave me alone.” When people say that I like to think about it in the literal sense. Be careful though, because it just might happen. We all have tried to befriend someone though, especially if there is something they have that we want. As a kid, that someone may just have the newest gaming system, as an adult, that person may be able to save you money—someway or somehow. Business has a lot to do with friendship and we all know business doesn't always last, but that is a whole different discussion. A lot of friendships though are genuine and lucky. By chance, you just happened to meet someone who likes the same things you do. A flavor of ice-cream, a band, and all the other little nuances that makes a person—well a person. It doesn't take a genius to know that if people share the same interests and have a lot in common, chances are, they will become friends. 

More importantly though, a friend is someone who you enjoy being around—that is to say, they make you feel better about yourself. I beg the question, “how does that happen?” How can another human being make you feel better about who you are? You should know who you are shouldn't you by now? You have experienced every thing you have ever done with and by yourself. But you didn't see yourself experiencing all those things, someone else did or better yet, your friend did. Oh, they can know you better than yourself! What a crazy phenomenon! To think that there is someone out there that knows you, well, of course not everything, trust is a fine line and we must keep our dignity. Then again, we must confide in another.

Let us laugh for a little while in talking about what a friend really is. They are the only person you would do something with—out of your character—and out of your sense of right and wrong. Friends get in trouble together! Haven't you ever been told, “that person is not good for you.” What about that “person” if she/he isn't good for you why would it be for them? You'll get in trouble! But, if you're with a friend, trouble can be fun... at least for a little while. Imagine how an “outsider” perceives your relationship? You hit one-another, pick on each-other, get mad at one-another, and swear you hate them at times. But you just can't because that is your friend. Is it though? It certainly is when someone other than they are treating you wrong, that is for sure. To the recluse, friends seem to be way more aloof. They act as if they are one! “I knew you were going to say that!” Having a friend is so much fun! You can do all kinds of things together—unless of course that person is of the opposite sex.

Now, friendship becomes a bit different when we add gender to the mix. I like to think that on the basis of all levels, man and women are inherently friends. Just as we are all human, we treat one-another with respect and self-diligence. But, we are men and women. There always seems to be that added “desire” and why not? We are friends. However, the relationship doesn't always work that way. The elephant in the room is ever-present, that being sex. How can I conduct myself in such a way as to not let the other sense that sex is really what I want? And this works both ways. A friend is someone you share everything with! Man and woman though keep secrets from one-another, just as friends do. You wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings... that is part of the reason why they are your friend. You care about how they feel. But a friend can hurt one most. You hear at almost every wedding, the bride or groom declare they married their best friend, little do they know at that point, each of them just lost one. Can you have more than one best friend? I guess you can if you have the time but that hypothetical question is not really the aim of this piece. 

Then there is the “lie,” (as I will call it for arguments sake) or a breach in the moral code. This is a lie that can only be found in a relationship that has the potential of being more, and it isn't one at that moment—or at least you didn't know it at the time. The “lie” is surrounded by so much ignorance, that it becomes something that is actually okay, and really a stepping stone to further the importance of the relationship. The “lie” I am referring to is significant because it is the very trial that permits a closer bond. It's simple and it is necessary. On the other end, your emotions rage but your rationale tells you, that you are “not together.” So I guess the only point in keeping that friend is to agree. “We weren't 'together'—we were just friends.” “Now I know,” you may say aloud, but what has changed? Your apparent “friendship.” An imaginary line was crossed. One made up by both parties, adhered to by both, and then rectified by a breach in the friendship code. What seemingly cap-sizes the incumbent friend brings them closer. But that reaction, to a lie, to an ignorance, isn't friendship, it is purely desire. How can one defend against what something is when they argue for it? Let the very freedom you desire be ideal by using it to captivate the one you are with. Hence, why there is the distinction between love and friendship. Aren't friends people that one loves though? Well, that depends on what kind of friends we are talking about, doesn't it?

So let us take a moment and discuss some “truths” about friendship. Friendship has its own hierarchy as I briefly mentioned earlier. We shall call them true friends (or “best friends”), friends, and acquaintances. An acquaintance really is someone who one “bumps” into and generally (for the most part) likes that person. Although, some acquaintances can be disliked but for the value of meeting social standards and cultural moral we carry on as if we do. I'm not saying that all people are 'fake' but to some degree we 'maintain' a level of civility that benefits the overall utility of our social class.

Friends: we call at times and make a point in seeing, but not all the time. Just enough to let them know that we are still there for them and to keep them there for us. There is the classic altruistic conflict that does arise in this “class” of friendship because these are people we need to some extent and they need us. But not to be confused with an acquaintance, this is a person that we do like and enjoy being around—just not all the time. I think a great parallel in explaining what a friend is are the people one likes at work. You see them just about everyday, you enjoy working together, and part of the reason you are still at that job is, well... because they are too. It is a team ideal, and a great business model to have in any line of work. The owner of any business wants the people they employ to get along—hence why there are company parties and etc.

Lastly, there are “best friends,” which is the hardest of all classes of friendship to explain. It is hard to explain what a best friend is because it is the most subjective of the three categories. People become best friends almost by pure chance but with a lot of work involved. Sometimes people can be best friends and be polar opposite or they can be alike in a lot of ways but not too much, that would probably send him/her back down to the friend class or even the acquaintance class. Also, sometimes, you might not even know you are someone's best friend, they just happen to tell you that you are one day. And it's odd because it's not that one is opposed to being a “best friend” but a lot of responsibility is connected with the idea and the strength of that bond. 

Best friends can actually “fight” and “argue” like couples, and we laugh when we see this type of behavior because it is strange to see people fighting who aren't “intimately” involved. Best friends by definition always seem to carry around those fluffy phrases like: “she is always there for me,” or “I don't know what I would do without her.” And quite frankly, it is because they are so dependable and trust-worthy. That said, like friends, best friends can come and go as well, it's just more rare. Not only because we have less of these people in our lives but because we have a lot of time invested in them—and they in us. 

I don't want the categorization to over-shadow the point being addressed which is: what is friendship? I only found it necessary to include the different degrees of what friendship can be so we can talk about what friendship is. What we do know is that friends, like trust, have to be earned. And that trust is a hinge on which friendship is inherently connected too. Both can be breached and result in loss. When that trust, however, is not taken for granted it is allowed to grow, very much like a sapling that isn't deprived of sun-light. We never know where our friendships will take us and I don't think we care as long as it doesn't bring us down. Our friendships uplift us. Friends give us hope and help us remove doubt when we become consumed by it. The right friend can make us a better person and help us see things in ourselves that would otherwise remain hidden. Friends help pass the time. They know us. In many ways the company you keep defines who you are and speaks louder than your own actions. They are our advisors, our confidants, and in many ways our muse. A friend is more than just a person, that's why they're our friends. Most of all though, a friend erases one of mankind's biggest fears—that being lonely.