On Friendship

There is much to be said about the nature of friendship. People all seemingly know who their friends are and even to what degree. The strict definition of friend is simple: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard (from dictionary.com). But of course in this instance we are talking of the “state” of being a friend and what that really means. There is also a definition in the dictionary that states friendship as being a “friendly relation” or “intimacy.” I'm not really interested in definitions from the dictionary however, I am more inclined to discover something more distinct; a more direct definition.

People make and lose friends all the time in society. It could be an encounter in the classroom, an introduction by and from someone you already know, or a connection made via the internet. The converse: a bad business deal, a secret leaked, or more specifically a breach of trust that leads to us “walking away.” Then again, a lot of times, we “make up” and settle our differences and remain friends, but is it really ever the same? What is a friend then? I hear people often throw the word “acquaintance” around. An acquaintance hasn't quite made it to the status of friend yet—well, because you don't know them well enough—but you know them well enough to consider them an acquaintance which does bring along with it some sort of “goodness” just not enough of it to be “friends.” 

It starts out as children. I assume it is part of the learning process. Our parents assure us that it is good to make friends and psychologists prove it. Loneliness can make man peculiar and awkward. He may know this as well and seek the company of others but to no avail remain alone. Why though? He or she doesn't carry the necessary qualities we seek in another person for them to be our friends. For many of us though it's quite natural, maybe even something one is born with. People are just drawn to that person's company. Some people may even struggle with having too many friends. Imagine telling that to the poor soul who can't manage to find one? We can all tell who has a lot of friends and who doesn't, there always seems to be a visual indicator—body language mostly. But, how many friends does one really have? Go ahead and ask them—they are probably all on one hand. I don't even have to criticize you about how many friends you have, because I know, I do not have 200 friends—most if not all are acquaintances. Looks like someone has to try harder.

Have you ever had someone try and be your friend though? Have you tried to befriend someone? “This person won't leave me alone,” I have heard. “What could they want?” They want to be your friend. I have always appreciated the command, “leave me alone.” When people say that I like to think about it in the literal sense. Be careful though, because it just might happen. We all have tried to befriend someone though, especially if there is something they have that we want. As a kid, that someone may just have the newest gaming system, as an adult, that person may be able to save you money—someway or somehow. Business has a lot to do with friendship and we all know business doesn't always last, but that is a whole different discussion. A lot of friendships though are genuine and lucky. By chance, you just happened to meet someone who likes the same things you do. A flavor of ice-cream, a band, and all the other little nuances that makes a person—well a person. It doesn't take a genius to know that if people share the same interests and have a lot in common, chances are, they will become friends. 

More importantly though, a friend is someone who you enjoy being around—that is to say, they make you feel better about yourself. I beg the question, “how does that happen?” How can another human being make you feel better about who you are? You should know who you are shouldn't you by now? You have experienced every thing you have ever done with and by yourself. But you didn't see yourself experiencing all those things, someone else did or better yet, your friend did. Oh, they can know you better than yourself! What a crazy phenomenon! To think that there is someone out there that knows you, well, of course not everything, trust is a fine line and we must keep our dignity. Then again, we must confide in another.

Let us laugh for a little while in talking about what a friend really is. They are the only person you would do something with—out of your character—and out of your sense of right and wrong. Friends get in trouble together! Haven't you ever been told, “that person is not good for you.” What about that “person” if she/he isn't good for you why would it be for them? You'll get in trouble! But, if you're with a friend, trouble can be fun... at least for a little while. Imagine how an “outsider” perceives your relationship? You hit one-another, pick on each-other, get mad at one-another, and swear you hate them at times. But you just can't because that is your friend. Is it though? It certainly is when someone other than they are treating you wrong, that is for sure. To the recluse, friends seem to be way more aloof. They act as if they are one! “I knew you were going to say that!” Having a friend is so much fun! You can do all kinds of things together—unless of course that person is of the opposite sex.

Now, friendship becomes a bit different when we add gender to the mix. I like to think that on the basis of all levels, man and women are inherently friends. Just as we are all human, we treat one-another with respect and self-diligence. But, we are men and women. There always seems to be that added “desire” and why not? We are friends. However, the relationship doesn't always work that way. The elephant in the room is ever-present, that being sex. How can I conduct myself in such a way as to not let the other sense that sex is really what I want? And this works both ways. A friend is someone you share everything with! Man and woman though keep secrets from one-another, just as friends do. You wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings... that is part of the reason why they are your friend. You care about how they feel. But a friend can hurt one most. You hear at almost every wedding, the bride or groom declare they married their best friend, little do they know at that point, each of them just lost one. Can you have more than one best friend? I guess you can if you have the time but that hypothetical question is not really the aim of this piece. 

Then there is the “lie,” (as I will call it for arguments sake) or a breach in the moral code. This is a lie that can only be found in a relationship that has the potential of being more, and it isn't one at that moment—or at least you didn't know it at the time. The “lie” is surrounded by so much ignorance, that it becomes something that is actually okay, and really a stepping stone to further the importance of the relationship. The “lie” I am referring to is significant because it is the very trial that permits a closer bond. It's simple and it is necessary. On the other end, your emotions rage but your rationale tells you, that you are “not together.” So I guess the only point in keeping that friend is to agree. “We weren't 'together'—we were just friends.” “Now I know,” you may say aloud, but what has changed? Your apparent “friendship.” An imaginary line was crossed. One made up by both parties, adhered to by both, and then rectified by a breach in the friendship code. What seemingly cap-sizes the incumbent friend brings them closer. But that reaction, to a lie, to an ignorance, isn't friendship, it is purely desire. How can one defend against what something is when they argue for it? Let the very freedom you desire be ideal by using it to captivate the one you are with. Hence, why there is the distinction between love and friendship. Aren't friends people that one loves though? Well, that depends on what kind of friends we are talking about, doesn't it?

So let us take a moment and discuss some “truths” about friendship. Friendship has its own hierarchy as I briefly mentioned earlier. We shall call them true friends (or “best friends”), friends, and acquaintances. An acquaintance really is someone who one “bumps” into and generally (for the most part) likes that person. Although, some acquaintances can be disliked but for the value of meeting social standards and cultural moral we carry on as if we do. I'm not saying that all people are 'fake' but to some degree we 'maintain' a level of civility that benefits the overall utility of our social class.

Friends: we call at times and make a point in seeing, but not all the time. Just enough to let them know that we are still there for them and to keep them there for us. There is the classic altruistic conflict that does arise in this “class” of friendship because these are people we need to some extent and they need us. But not to be confused with an acquaintance, this is a person that we do like and enjoy being around—just not all the time. I think a great parallel in explaining what a friend is are the people one likes at work. You see them just about everyday, you enjoy working together, and part of the reason you are still at that job is, well... because they are too. It is a team ideal, and a great business model to have in any line of work. The owner of any business wants the people they employ to get along—hence why there are company parties and etc.

Lastly, there are “best friends,” which is the hardest of all classes of friendship to explain. It is hard to explain what a best friend is because it is the most subjective of the three categories. People become best friends almost by pure chance but with a lot of work involved. Sometimes people can be best friends and be polar opposite or they can be alike in a lot of ways but not too much, that would probably send him/her back down to the friend class or even the acquaintance class. Also, sometimes, you might not even know you are someone's best friend, they just happen to tell you that you are one day. And it's odd because it's not that one is opposed to being a “best friend” but a lot of responsibility is connected with the idea and the strength of that bond. 

Best friends can actually “fight” and “argue” like couples, and we laugh when we see this type of behavior because it is strange to see people fighting who aren't “intimately” involved. Best friends by definition always seem to carry around those fluffy phrases like: “she is always there for me,” or “I don't know what I would do without her.” And quite frankly, it is because they are so dependable and trust-worthy. That said, like friends, best friends can come and go as well, it's just more rare. Not only because we have less of these people in our lives but because we have a lot of time invested in them—and they in us. 

I don't want the categorization to over-shadow the point being addressed which is: what is friendship? I only found it necessary to include the different degrees of what friendship can be so we can talk about what friendship is. What we do know is that friends, like trust, have to be earned. And that trust is a hinge on which friendship is inherently connected too. Both can be breached and result in loss. When that trust, however, is not taken for granted it is allowed to grow, very much like a sapling that isn't deprived of sun-light. We never know where our friendships will take us and I don't think we care as long as it doesn't bring us down. Our friendships uplift us. Friends give us hope and help us remove doubt when we become consumed by it. The right friend can make us a better person and help us see things in ourselves that would otherwise remain hidden. Friends help pass the time. They know us. In many ways the company you keep defines who you are and speaks louder than your own actions. They are our advisors, our confidants, and in many ways our muse. A friend is more than just a person, that's why they're our friends. Most of all though, a friend erases one of mankind's biggest fears—that being lonely.

Is Social Media a Responsibility?

Sure one has to be responsible when they are writing online. Perhaps, even taking more care when they are in a group of people. These are the people you know after all. Then there is social media. It is kind of like a school. You have the “popular people.” They write songs and play in bands. They play sports. These people create works of art with clay. Sometimes they even write really awesome things to read.

Actually, you know the 'daredevil' was popular too. He gained followers and all sorts of friends. He was free. Couldn't know what he would do next. That is why he was fun to be around. Try not to think about the point of this.

-Do you have to get on?

-Do you have to reply?

-What boundaries are different from real life?

Is it a creative outlet? If so, is creativity wasted? A retweet could be a reason why someone follows on twitter or a share of something stands for exactly what it is. Sharing is caring... or is it? Juicy gossip isn't, but it is sure worth telling of. To be human comes with a duty, you have to speak. Someway, somehow we express ourselves. Sometimes if we don't others get concerned. Quiet sounds often irk people. It is odd. “Get on with it!” It really isn't understanding either. I see no difference in all walks. People are motivators. I don't care what your job is. “Hustle up.” “Get with it.” “Move!” The last is the best. “Move.” Just the sound of it makes you want to.

It takes time for things to separate. It depends really on how much they were shakin' up. Your intentions are always backed by your words. Humans always seek council and comfort. Then you act accordingly. Where there is no council there are just actions. That is really how social media works. Rarely does one seek counsel, and even rarer they will receive it. Then, of course, comes the initial blow of stupidty and self-loathing—when you grieve aloud and tell “your community” how you feel. Back that track up. I hope you didn't just say that. That is when the phone rings. When it is really important... the phone always rings.

Does the use of social media require a responsibility? It is your voice. Another voice to be heard on another level. A way to spread rumors and speak facts. The news at your finger tips! Word of mouth turned into a screen with adds and friends. Freedom of speech has a responsibility. We all know that. In fact, you're all so smart I shouldn't even get into the details. Might be a name to hurt. I heard the word “reputation” the other day for the first time in a long time. That is a great word. It seems so important and then becomes childish. Imagine an adult with a reputation. Okay, okay... politician would work.

Responsibility though... never started with act of doing. Somebody said something. Words inspire action! They form communities and create relationships. Action will always back words but saying the right thing might just be enough. In fact, it is probably more. For the most part people go to great lengths so they don't fight. There is apologizing, lying, playing coy and fessing up. What reasons should make us strike one another? Words. Really stupid ones too.

I guess with all this “connectivity” one doesn't witness too much fighting anymore. Of course, you cancel out all the people talking about it. Sometime it's just easier to make a point if you spell it out. Why write it down if you can post it? Sometimes the ambiguity is hilarious. Who are you talking to? I hope it wasn't me. Did they just say that? I will willingly wait for your slow response. “I'm done with this!” The laptop slams down and we are all happy for a few days... because you stopped talking.

Success a la More

“Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need."

-Emily Dickinson

Out of all the ideas success is probably the most wild and hardest to capture. In fact, it is so hard to grasp that we have to give things up to attain it. We have to quit on people! We have to say, “No. Not anymore.” Beyond that we have to do things we would never want to for achievement. Acts that could be regarded as immoral in nature. Things that maybe sometime ago one would have never thought of ever doing. Success can even be so elusive we may have to lie to grasp it... and even if only for a little while.

Sometimes, very basic morality can be the way we ought to live life and many of those lessons are learned in Kindergarten. Keep your hands to yourself, stay in line, and sharing is caring. Do these things in life, and chances are, you will be a good person. Chances are though, you won't succeed. One of my favorite maxims are, “nice guys finish last.” It just makes one want to be terrible doesn't it? Frankly, I would never want to finish last—even if it were a running race and I'm not very fleet-footed.

Success isn't about a race, or is it though? What is it about? A person who claims they don't know is probably treading in some pretty muddy water and—my guess is—they probably are in some debt. “Debt” is a great euphemism. You owe somebody something... how about that? Maybe success is not having to ask anybody for anything anymore. Though, we all need a little advice from time to time.

How about a definition.

“The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.

(dictionary.com)

“I have children and take care of them.” Well, cross that one off the list. “I graduated with honors.” Cross that one off too. “I beat addiction.” Slash it off the list. “I have never lied.” I don't believe you. What kind of accomplishment is that? No wonder you live in a “van down by the river.” Maybe if you lied you'd at least own a trailer, in a park somewhere, near a store.

Is success objective or subjective? In other words, is it personal satisfaction? Or is success satisfying others? Maybe it's pissing people off. People have told me that their basis of success (not in these words) is creating jealousy. They want to people to dislike them because they have something they don’t have or will never achieve. It isn't very logical but it makes sense on some level. If you have something others desire, it does make you better than them, even if that sounds primitive, it's valid.

That can't be true though. That isn't sound reasoning. There are many people out there that have less than others and are quite possibly happier. Success could be just living comfortably. We can all agree that the less stress there is the happier we are. But amongst the “Others” your “cheap ass” should get a new car... one with a monthly payment too. Your obligations mark your success. Remember that. Who do you answer to? That dog you feed or your wife and children? Your boss or your probation officer? We all answer to somebody even if that person is our self.

We often look at success as a duty. It starts at a young age with marks and stars. Smiley faces and grades turn into GPA's and SAT scores. Before you know your whole life is being judged by the quality of your body of work. You meet people and they wonder what it is you do. That is normal. There should never be shame in what one does. Still though, it's only common courtesy to make an excuse. Why if someone didn't there may just be something wrong with them. America lives in a society that rests on responsibility and lives on excuses. I may have written that backward.

In fact, it is part of your duty to be successful. And if you aren't you better be creative and make something up. This country doesn't tolerate failure. Just like your family. Just like your friends. And just like that stranger who tells you via a bumper sticker that reads “baby on board.” You have to be serious and have to be determined. This gives you the best opportunity to gain something that's not always permanent. It very well be transient or short-lived. “I used to” and “I had” are not successful statements at all. Actually, those are statements a person should probably keep to themselves.

There are different perspectives on being successful but I know there is a common ground. It depends on what somebody wants if they feel they have a choice in the matter. You may think real success is Rudy finally getting to play for the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. There was certainly a lot of dedication, hard work, and sacrifice in that story. He certainly “quit” and “gave up” a lot for that “honor.” One hit wonders too. Men at Work's “Down Under” spent only four weeks at number one... before being replaced by Toto's “Africa”--another hit wonder of course.

People even write books on success. As if it were something we could teach. “Never Give Up,” is an actual book by Donald Trump. I wonder if he wore his own cologne while he promoted it. Sometimes success is measured by the fall. Think about the flight of Icarus and how he flew to close to the sun. One has to fly to fall. Although, maybe our biggest failures were not being able to get off the ground in the first place. Then again, some think it's better to just stay there.

Idea of Christmas

It's Christmas... again.  Perhaps you already know what is going to be written.  The same negative things year in and year out.  By now though most, if not all of the shopping is done, so we can all agree that the cliché of the hustle and bustle through the crowds of people and swamps of merchandise is exactly what it is: miserable.  If you want I could even throw the word "nonsense" in there as well—it is Christmas—I too am willing to give.  



Deep down though we all know it's more than being placed in uncomfortable situations at Christmas parties or having to meet people you don't even know just because you work with them. What about family?  Perhaps the funniest most ironic part of the holidays is being surrounded by loved ones whose character you despise.  Why put up with it all then?  It isn't for the gifts.  Surely, they are a part of it though.  It feels great to give that perfect gift, especially if that person didn't expect it. 

Christmas is a time where it was okay to want.  Surely, desire is something we are all used to on a regular basis but it's a little different this time of year.  Somehow I don't see wives putting up with rude brother in-laws and stale cigar smoke for a gift-card.  I don't think children want to play with cousins that they hardly know for a sweater they will never want to wear.  We give gifts out of love and appreciation not because it is the "right thing to do."  If we did that it would be the "wrong thing to do."



There is definitely something more important that surrounds this time of year.  Love seems to be the popular theme.  Take a look at American cinema throughout the years.  Watch every ending.  I bet somewhere on youtube there is a compilation of Christmas movie endings just waiting to be watched!  Merry Christmas movie house!  It certainly is a wonderful life isn't it?  It depends where one looks.   If you curse while putting the kids in the car before going to grandma's house, then maybe not so much. Then again, it must be wonderful to give or a receive a Lexus on Christmas. Or, more simply, give that special someone the moon.



It isn't about money though. It's about cookies, smiles, and snow. Blinking lights on tinsel covered pines, egg-nog with brandy, and kisses under the mistletoe. Caring, love, and joy all wrapped up and tied with a pretty red bow. The songs, the caroling, and the spirit make for a time that is rather fast appear slow but just for a moment.



The idea of the holidays: fabricated in the mind and produced by the heart. There will be a time you hear, “it's here already, and “it's already over.” Maybe that's why it is special. Like something you didn't even know you were waiting for and then it left like it was really never there. We know it was there though because it left quite a mess. When the spirit leaves the magic is gone. What was once a Christmas tree is now a prickly stick with garbage thrown on it. Full red stockings are now empty old socks. Even the cookie jar with the snow-man appears to be insignificant and foolish.



Alone or not, it is something we all share and are a part of. I don't know if Angels get their wings every time bells ring. I don't know why Santa is a fat, bearded man. What puzzles me most is why some people cry on Christmas. Perhaps too much joy for just one to bear. They must be just words and thoughts intended for one's “bad ear.”

As fast as it came the quicker it will go. Each family photo and picture with friends becomes a fixed moment in time. I'm sure we can all remember something from the Christmas of '98. You probably have a decoration you still use from that year, perhaps even before. And as the cacophony of those three exciting sounds are sent into the air, enjoy your family, friends, and one-another until next year.



Merry Christmas



J. M. Hobby
Christmas Eve, 2013

Bullying or Just Plain Horseplay

With the recent allegations surrounding the Miami Dolphins over bullying in the work place, I found it pertinent to talk about exactly what bullying is. This is something that has become a bit of a nuisance throughout American culture and in recent years has sparked debate over the ramifications bullying can have on an individual and those close to that person. To bully means to use superior strength or influence to intimidate someone, typically to force him or her to do what one wants. Other definitions I found involved “school age children” or a person who means to intimidate the weaker.

These are definitions that I think all of us are accustomed to. In fact, I never really heard of adults “bullying” each other unless it was some comedy routine or some farce as seen in the movie, “Big Bully.” On a very basic level it is humorous to watch grown-ups fight and bicker as children do. Anything for that matter that depicts adults acting like children is seen as comical. Recently, bullying has become no laughing matter. In the past five years there have been reports of teenagers killing themselves because they have been bullied for being “different.” Usually these attacks are done via social media outlets which allows the attacking to be more persistent, resulting in emotional breakdowns or violence.

Violence is actually the “old timer's answer” for bullying. The quick remedy to stop the torment cause by bullying is to “stand up for yourself.” As a child, I remember that fighting back with violence was the only solution to stop being bullied.  Then and only then would the bully would leave one alone, knowing that his/her actions will no longer be tolerated. It is never a guarantee, but most of the time the technique works as a bully's aim is to actually avoid confrontation.

So I beg the question: Bullying or horse play? In some form or another (depending on how loosely we interpret the definition) we have at one time or another been on both ends of the spectrum. Who hasn't been picked on for what they wear? Who has never pointed out a “funny characteristic” about the way a person looks? Bullying can actually be viewed as something that is enjoyable... to participate in and to be a spectator of. We even see bullying as a main object in video games—games "made" for kids I might add. Use your imagination. On some level even Super Mario Brothers is a game in which the lead protagonist “bullies” his way through until he eventually “saves” the girl.

Could bullying be something that is so completely subjective that we only see it when we want to? Can bullying really exist in the adult world?  Is in something that actually is natural and part of being human?  It seems our nation has a problem of definition. Is being passive 'weak' in our society? Perhaps there really is a problem with this type of social behavior and people are not being overly sensitive. Either way, the notion of bullying has become ever more so apparent and is now under the proverbial spot light in American culture.

Only One Chance?

Living is full of twists and turns. All sorts of roads and paths will be traveled. Some dangerous and others very pleasant. At the end we always like to look back and see how far we've come. There is something joyful about looking down a hill after getting to the top. One wipes the proverbial sweat from their face in satisfaction. You made it. They made it. Whatever it was the obstacle was overcome.

What about the others? Not everyone makes it. That can't make any sense. This is life not a tee-ball game! We need winners and losers! You can't take that away. If people take that away the foundation of human existence might disappear! Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves.

I like to believe that we live in a society that always offers people a second chance. We are only human. In fact, if we didn't make mistakes I may just question, and come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't err. What if though, there was really only one chance in life. Brutal to think about isn't it? Even worse, what if it had been already given to you? That isn't fun at all to think about. Or is it?

We have joyous occasions and festivities to celebrate one's achievements. Have you ever felt the prick of jealousy's little needle? Surely, it stings but only until the great ones fall. Then our vanity and pride can be restored and the world put back in place. What if you accepted that fact that your chance had came and went and you missed it like the train that led up-town? Would you wait for another or run to a different station?

Could a person be content with mediocrity? Perhaps, although would they show it? I believe in bitterness if only given one chance. But wait, an epithet! “Life isn't fair.” That seems to work... sometimes. Some people may never even get a chance. Oh, how they are pitied. Especially by those who were given two. Who hands out these chances anyway? I don't really care for their “distribution expertise.” “You had better be happy with the one I gave you.” It is as if you should feel blessed to have that one chance! Your entitlement rests solely on luck... the luck, you of course, created.

Still most of us fall at one time or another. Sometimes a hand reaches out from the light, or darkness casts it shadowy veil. Not much choice but to dust yourself off and keep going. At least faith and hope can fool us into believing we will get a second chance. Or that same bit of faith will help offer another. Just remember to think—as the dust begins to clear—what knocked you down in the first place.

Just Be Yourself

I have thought about this for quite a while. Even when the words were uttered to me as a child I wondered about this phrase. I may think about it now in more detail but the original reaction was: be myself? “Just be yourself and everything will be fine.” Perhaps you have heard people say that in the past. What does it mean though? Define what “the self” is. Was my personality molded from being around “the others?”

It is something that all of us should do though, and all of us think we do as well. On the other hand, I hear the insult “poser” being thrown around like a baseball on some days. How can a person even tell if you're being your self? Why not put on an act or live a lie—certainly would make things more interesting. Although, “being yourself” is a great excuse. Then again, I have heard people say in life or on TV, “what went wrong? I was just being myself?!” I thought being yourself made things so much easier.

I'm not writing this to persuade. I believe the same as everyone else: that people should be themselves. I just find it extremely hard to accomplish based upon the inherent qualities in human beings that make them want to idolize and emulate those who inspire them. Seems to be quite natural in all honesty to be prodded in to following “the others.” But with every action comes a consequence. Going with the crowd can sometimes be a very wise decision. Going against them... well not so much.

Unless that person happens to be so special that when they show their true self... people begin to follow. I will save the historic examples. The point is: by being yourself you show a natural and pristine side that people will only like and appreciate in secret. The remedy? I can't tell you because then I wouldn't be being myself.